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A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop; with them are their 8
children… A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus
arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight
children are able to fit in the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the
husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him, “Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!”

The blind man replies:
“If you would’ve put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we’d be sitting in the bus! So shut up and keep walking !!!!”

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We always face situations where boss says to complete the work in no time… take extra resources if you want…. maybe this reply can help in those situations….

It was a hot meeting at the office conference hall. All the people from the department had been called. The VP was looking much tensed.

The mood was so bad. My friend asked me -”Hey, what is this meeting all about? I told - May be they will decide on when to have the next meeting. People around smiled at each other. Then the VP started talking. It was about the recent attrition rate that was so high. Around 10 people had put in their papers. All experienced guys. It was quarter end and so work was huge. If we do not complete the work on time, we need to be paying heavy penalty said the VP. The VP turned to the manager and told “Hey - take how much ever resources you want. Recruit or take them from other departments. But complete the work in another 25 days. Take people and complete it man.

To this the sweet manager replied “Sir! Give me one wife and nine months and I shall show you results. Don’t give me nine wives and one month. I cannot do anything.” Everyone looked at him blank. The VP was not prepared for this answer. We looked at the manager and thought “What an Awesome Reply man!”

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If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never say its not quite as good as his mothers

…then buy a dog.

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, or as long and wherever you want …..

…then buy a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn’t care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies

then buy a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to warm
your feet and whom you can push off if he snores

…then buy a dog!
If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn’t care
if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if
every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually …

…then buy a dog.

BUT, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come
when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair
all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only
comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness .,

…then buy a cat!

Now be honest, you thought I was gonna say… marry a man, didn’t you?

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A lady manager of a big reputed office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into her office.

“What is your name?” was the first thing she asked the new guy.

“John,” the new guy replied.

She scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.

I refer to my employees by their last name only … Smith, Jones, Baker ..that’s all.

I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”

The new guysighed, “Darling…..My name is John Darling.”

“Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . .”

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A boat docked in a tiny Goan village. A tourist from Mumbai
complimented the Goan fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

‘Not very long,’ answered the fisherman.

‘But then, why didn’t you stay out longer and catch more?’ asked the Mumbaite.

The Goan fisherman explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The Mumbaite asked, ‘But what do you do with the rest of your time?’

‘I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, play guitar, sing a few songs… I have a full life.’

The Mumbaite interrupted, ‘I have an MBA from IIM-A, and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat.’

‘And after that?’ asked the Goan.

‘With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Panjim, or even Mumbai. From there you can direct your huge new enterprise.’

‘How long would that take?’ asked the Goan.

‘Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years,’ replied the Mumbaite.

‘And after that?’

‘Afterwards? Well my Friend, That’s when it gets really interesting,’ chuckled the Mumbaite, ‘When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!’

‘Millions? Really? And after that?’ asked the Goan.

‘After that you’ll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings doing what you like with your buddies.’

‘With all due respect sir, but that’s exactly what I am doing now. So what’s the point wasting 25 years?’ asked the Goan.

And the moral of the story is? Know where you’re going in life. You may already be there.

Life in the present world is indeed a rat race. Many who have qualifications from reputed universities too do not know where they are going in life.

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A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, “You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here.”

The astonished Chinese man replied, “It was not the Chinese who bombed your PearlHarbour, it was the Japanese”.

“Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same,” replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, “You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.”

Shocked, Spielberg replies, “It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.”

The Chinese replies, “Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you’re all the same.”

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A old snake goes to see his Doctor.

“Doc, I need something for my eyes…can’t see well these days”. The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he’s very depressed.

Doc says, “What’s the problem…didn’t the glasses help you?”

“The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I’ve been living with a water hose the past 2 years!”

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A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars.

The manager comes out ofthe bar and stops the guy.

‘What the heck are you doing ?’ he asks the drunk.

‘I’m looking for my car, and I can’t find it.’ he replies.

‘So how does feeling the roof help you ?’ asks the puzzled manager.

‘Well,’ replies the drunk earnestly, ‘MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!’.

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Wife: Okay, today’s Friday. Where’s your pay envelope?

Man: I already spent all my pay. I bought something for the house.

Wife: What? What could you buy for the house that cost $480?

Man: Eight rounds of drinks.

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After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says “Hey Sen~or, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.”

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers, a Budweiser.”

The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.”

He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says “Give me a Coke.”

The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?”

The Guinness president replies “Well, if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither will I.”

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